STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
