Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
