im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
