So drunk its hurt
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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