Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
