well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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