Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
