you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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