Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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