why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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