he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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