A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
