Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
