I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
