went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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