Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
