you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
