My pussy is not your playground.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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