my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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