saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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