We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
