I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
