When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
