I just threw up on my dentist
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize