I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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