I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
