and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
