All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
