I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
