Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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