Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
