It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
