What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
