I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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