I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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