if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
