I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
