sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
