why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
