hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Who died my cat blue again?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
