the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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