Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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