I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
