Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
did i walk over a car last night?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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