Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
