winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
i think i just lost a toe
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
