Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
