im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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