Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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