I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
