I wannas sexs uuuuu
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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