Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry about my life...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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