I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You may now shotgun with the bride
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
