Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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