alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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