No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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