she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
