you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
