Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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