he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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