Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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