cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
