If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
