Fine. I'll sleep in my office
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
