I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
