Swine flu. Run for my life!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
